


Casual Goodbyes

by some_mad_lunge



Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, But there are reasons, Colin is an idiot, F/M, Friends to Lovers, I live dangerously, Longing, No Beta, oh so much longing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:35:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29101860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mad_lunge/pseuds/some_mad_lunge
Summary: Colin isn’t an idiot, he knows how Penelope feels.But admitting what beats in his own heart will tear down walls he’s not sure he can survive without.
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Comments: 186
Kudos: 712





	1. Colin Knows

The thing is that Colin always knew deep down how Penelope felt about him. His brothers would tease him in a good natured way. Never hard enough to make him cross but the right amount to make him uncomfortable. Benedict would wax on about her perfect female form, the delight one would get from mixing colours to find her unique shade of red. Anthony approved of her mind, how she kept Eloise planted a little more firmly to the ground. No small feat as not a single Bridgerton had ever been able to achieve it. His sisters and mother, all of them, adore everything about her. His family has always had exquisite taste.

So yes Colin knows how Penelope feels about him but he can’t _think_ about it. More so he doesn’t let himself. If he thinks about how she feels then he has no choice but to acknowledge how he feels in kind. He’s not ready for that, he doesn’t think he ever will be.

Since he can’t look inward he focuses firmly on what’s in front of him. Today it’s a purple and pink sky reflected in the smooth glass of the lake. 

He comes here when the wanderlust gets too much and a jaunt across the ocean isn’t an option. Here he can keep his thoughts on a silent hum. It helps that his mobile gets no reception out here as well. 

It drives his mother mental, convinced that the minute any one of her children is out of reach they will turn to pillars of salt. Or be stung by a bee.

He misses his father, of course he does. Sure, he had his brothers to lead him towards being a man, though they weren’t really that much further ahead. Still there is always a spot that is empty, a void no one will ever be able to fill for all of them. Yet every child knows one day they will be without their parents, you expect it. It is a right of passage for most one day.

He doesn’t remember the shock of the loss, more the numb ache left behind. No, what he remembers is his mother, his strong, kind and beautiful mother letting out a wail of pain that will haunt him for the rest of his days. He watched a piece of her die along with his father, like a limb that still tingles long after it is amputated. She picked herself up, she raised them and put every part of herself that remained into her children. They were lucky to have her, lucky to be a piece of the great love his parents had. A love that broke his mother in two when it was gone.

Colin closes his journal and tosses it beside him on the dock. They’d built it together, one weekend of the Bridgerton clan had produced a new dock, roof repairs and a solid cleaning of the small cabin that came with his piece of heaven. He can still remember the joy on Gregory’s face when he’d finally mastered how to use the drill. He remembers Daphne holding Amelia’s fingers as she toddled wide eyed at the trees and the grass and, well, everything. 

Mostly he remembers Penelope handing him a knitted blanket held together with a ribbon. It was soft and grey, he knew she’d made it for him. Knew that it would be large enough to wrap himself in and feel safe.

Her lips were plump and pink as she smiled so sweetly at him. A curl had come loose from the haphazard pile atop her head, it brushed softly against her cheek. 

Fire against porcelain.

“I know it’s not technically a home but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t feel like one.”

Her voice had a raspiness to it, it always does when she speaks just between the two of them. Around his family she is so bright it blinds him, twinkle lights of laughter and fireworks in her eyes. Alone it’s as if every word is a secret that must be delivered delicately. She is flicker, a candle flame that lights up the darkest portions of his heart. The places where all his true secrets lie.

Colin shakes his head as he rises to his feet. He is not old but not nearly as young as he’s like to be. His back aches a little from how he’d hunched over to write his latest chapter. It drove his editor crazy that he never uses a computer for his first draft, hates what a _waste of time_ it is. But not to Colin. If he must pour his soul out on pages for the world to see it must be as raw as possible, he knows no other way. Blood from his veins pours out through his fingers and turns to ink from his pen.

When he enters the cabin he kneels to put more wood on the fireplace embers and debates making himself something to eat. He knows the emptiness he feels can’t be filled with something as banal as food but alcohol will at least soften the edges of this harsh reality.

He’s well into the red wine, drinking it straight from the bottle and imagining himself a pirate when the ritual begins. It’s always the same when he comes here, when he longs for…

It doesn’t matter, his dance is the same. He leans back on the sofa, soft where it should be firm and hard on his shoulders. Then he turns his head, let’s his cheek rub against the cashmere that had the joy of being molded by her fingers. For the first few months it smelled like her, cinnamon, citrus and the hint of the unnameable that only Penelope possessed. The scent is long gone but when he closes his eyes he can almost taste it on his tongue.

Eventually it ends up around his shoulders, his fists clutching it like a lifeline. He should have known that even in the place he chose to keep everyone from she would find a way to be there.

And when he’s just tipsy enough that some of the walls come down he’ll admit the real reason he bought this place. It wasn’t for inspiration or peace and quiet. It wasn’t to have something that was singularly his. 

It was his place to hide.

When the ache for her became too much. When he caught her smiling at another man and he feared this would be the time she’d slip away too far. When he was desperate to fit his face in her neck and hold on for dear life...well then he needed somewhere to run. Somewhere that he could drink and be vulnerable but most importantly unable to contact her. 

Because drunk Colin was head over heels, Shakespearean sonnets carved in marble, fight a thousand wars, endure a million scars, in love with Penelope Featherington.

Colin looked out because when he looked in all he saw was her. Her kind heart, her nerves of iron, the colour that was more than just the red and silky smooth white. She was yellow sunshine, orange groves and rolling fields of green. She was the black of the deepest ocean and the blue of the finest silk. She was technicolor violet and neon pink. 

She was the love of his life and she could break him. She could fill him to bursting. She could hold his heart like fine glass in her hands and drop it at her whim.

Colin had sworn he would never fall to pieces forever. Instead he hides and does it for a few hours instead. He’d always believed this way he could keep her, and she would keep him. That somehow it would be enough. It had to be enough. It used to be, or so he had told himself.

He needed to win the game, stay one step ahead. He just never took into account the other player. How beautiful and perfect she was and that he wasn’t the only one who saw it.

When she’d first downloaded the dating app Eloise told him with steel in her eyes. 

“Maybe she’ll finally meet someone worthy of her.”

It had stung, just like his sister knew it would. He left for his cabin the very next day and stayed the night.

When she went on a string of first dates Gregory told Colin he wished Penelope was really his sister because then she would never leave them.

Colin left for his cabin that night and stayed for a weekend.

When she changed her relationship status on social media Daphne waved her phone under his nose and smacked him upside the head. Colin barely packed a bag before he got into his car and drove through the inky black evening.

That had been six days ago and he didn’t know if he would ever be able to live in civilization again. 

Colin pulled out his phone and used the remaining battery power to look at photos of Penelope he had saved. Her with his siblings laughing into her beer at their local. Her with his mother learning to make the famous Bridgerton pudding with a dusting of flour on her nose. Her with her head on the cushion of his sofa, eyes shut and lips pursed having fallen asleep during one of their movie nights. Her staring into the distance with a pensive look on her face, eyes hidden by sunglasses and unaware Colin was even there. 

Then he got to his favourite one. It was from Daphne’s wedding, a moment in time caught by the photographer in the waning hours of the celebration. A bridesmaid at the end of a long evening, a suit jacket over her shoulders as she leaned her cheek on a groomsman’s arm. There was a shy tilt to her lips and a peaceful glow in her face. The groomsman had his eyes closed, the tip of his chin dipped into her curls and the most contented aura about him. Two people in a bubble of their own making that neither questioned.

Simon had texted it to him a month after the wedding with the simple words: _You are an idiot._

Colin can’t bring himself to do anything other than stare at the photo until his mobile eventually dies. By then it’s burned into his vision, she is there even when he blinks.

It’s not late but the fire is getting low. The alcohol has lost its impact on his senses. Instead of standing to walk the few feet to where his large bed waits he curls up on the too short sofa and pulls the blanket to his chin.

He doesn’t expect sleep to come as easy as it does. 

Nor does he expect to wake not long after when water is thrown on his face. He opens his eyes to Gregory smirking at him with a glass in his hand. Behind his youngest brother is Benedict pinching the bridge of his nose, Simon staring daggers at him and Anthony with his arms crossed.

Colin sits up suddenly, unable to stand with Penelope’s blanket wrapped around his legs.

“What are you….”

“Shut up, Colin.” Anthony, as the oldest, has always expected his siblings to listen and obey. They rarely do but then again Colin’s never seen him like this before. He figures the best decision is to keep his mouth shut. And even though Colin is 28 years old, a published author three times over and quite able to handle himself he can’t help but feel the cold fear at the tone of his brother’s voice. “This ends now or you really are going to lose her for good.”

He darts his eyes from Anthony’s hard gaze to Benedict whose face holds so much sympathy that Colin feels ashamed. He glances at Simon who just shakes his head in veiled disgust. Lastly he looks at Gregory, so close to being a man and yet so much a boy with the trappings of childhood ideals. It’s his face that does Colin in, the look of conviction before he growls out words no one has ever said before.

“You’re in love with Penelope you daft idiot. So what the bloody hell are you going to do about it?”

Colin does the only thing that he has the strength to do in that moment. The thing he’s put off for so long that he no longer can bear it. He lets go, dropping his head in his hands and let’s himself cry for the first time since his father died.


	2. Colin Realizes

The quickest way to shut up Anthony Bridgerton it seems was to burst into tears. Colin’s not proud of it but he’s not going to apologize, especially since he can’t seem to stop. He’s wiping his cheeks continuously, not speaking as he watches the men exchange looks. Gregory just stands there blinking. He’s never seen Colin as anything but carefree and occasionally moody. Colin had made sure of it.

“Brother….” Anthony stepped forward but Benedict stopped him in his tracks with a firm arm across his chest..

“You three go. I’ll drive Colin and I back in his car.” 

Colin watches his older brother’s exchange something with only their eyes before burying his head in his hands once again. He feels someone squeeze his shoulder and someone else ruffle his hair before heavy footsteps followed by the soft click of his front door. Colin clocks the weight of his brother sitting beside him and takes a few deep breaths.

When he finally sits up the half full bottle of wine is shoved into his hands. He takes a large swallow, more to settle his nerves than anything else. He feels better somehow, lighter, even if his situation hasn’t changed.

“How long have you all known?” Colin wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before pressing the bottle to his forehead. It’s cool and it brings his mind closer into focus.

“Probably before you even did.” 

Colin is glad that Benedict was the one that stayed. They’d always understood each other best, until the last year when he segregated himself more and more from his family. From everyone.

“I’m sorry.” He is, for everything, for all of it. For constantly running away because he didn’t know what else to do. For hiding in his journals halfway around the world from everything he wanted right here waiting for him.

Until it wasn’t waiting anymore.

“Colin, the only person you’ve really hurt in all this is yourself.” Benedict let out a quiet sigh. “And maybe Mum.”

He hates the thought of that, it’s not like his mother doesn’t have enough crosses to bear.

“I’ve hurt her too. So many times. Penelope deserves more than…” He lets the words trail off as he takes another swig of the emptying bottle.

“More than what she wants? What she’s always wanted? I can believe you to be a fool brother, but never a coward.” Benedict puts his arm around him, pulls him in so their heads are close. “Why do you deny both of you?”

Colin just shakes his head, the idea of saying it outloud would make it tangible. It would be opening a box he couldn’t close and walk away from. It would make it real. He looks down at the blanket he still holds in one hand, his thumb rubbing against the material to soothe the ache.

_ It’s always been real, whether you admit it or not. _

“Ben?”

“Yeah”

“I love her in a way I’ve never read possible.” Colin takes a shuddering breath. “She’s all I think about most days. It feels like madness, a sickness I cannot shake.”

“I know.”

Benedict did. He had a one night stand, losing his heart when he woke up and she was gone. He was still looking for her and if the world was a just place she would be found.

“I don’t know how it happened. I cannot pinpoint a moment in time. It was as if one day she was Pen, the girl that made me laugh and read my work before anyone else. The next she became this part of me I cannot break free from.” 

And he’d tried so many times. He’d seen the world and found pieces of her in every part. He’d send her a picture of his view of mountain vistas and she’d respond with her feet in fluffy slippers crossed on her coffee table. He’d email her drafts of his chapters from his laptop while sitting in a Parisan cafe. She’d send him encouragement and notes, witty comments that made him laugh out loud to the shock of the people around him.

He showed her the world through his eyes and she showed him the world he wanted to live in with her.

“”Why does it matter the when and the how? You are here now and she…”

“Is dating someone else.”

He couldn’t be that cliche guy, make her think she only saw her beauty because another man saw it first. She deserved more than that.

“That she doesn’t look at the way she looks at you.” Benedict quirked his lips, half in support and half in apology. “Yes we’ve met him. He’s a good enough chap. Thinks the world of your girl but who doesn’t? None of that matters Colin, not if care for like you say you do.”

Colin accepted the heat of jealousy that unfurled in his belly, his sudden desire to hunt the man down, whatever his name, and rip him limb from limb.

“Christ, what the hell are you so scared of?” Benedict’s face got tight. Colin rarely saw this brother angry. Passionate and headstrong yes but always in a way that you could easily follow with infectious enthusiasm. “Do you have any clue how ridiculously lucky you are?”

“You don’t understand.”

Benedict shot to his feet, and braced himself on the fireplace mantle. Colin watched his hands squeeze the wood tight before whirling around.

“You’re right, I do not understand so explain it to me. You sit here in pain when the balm of comfort is just a drive away. Your heart’s desire is right bloody there. She has always been there, right there waiting for you. Do you have any clue what I would do to be in your shoes?!”

Colin couldn’t do more than hold the almost empty wine bottle out for his brother to find comfort in. Benedict grabbed it and brought it to his lips but stopped himself.

“If I have to watch you throw your chance away, if all of us must live with this version of you at least tell me why.”

Colin ran his hand through his hair.

“I’m not Mom, I’m not as strong as her.”

He refused to look his brother in the eye, didn’t want to see the disappointment staring back at him. The silence after his admission seemed to stretch on forever. For once Colin didn’t know how to charm his way out of something. He was stripped bare and so very tired.

Benedict finally sat beside him again, the warmth of an arm around his shoulders pulling him close in brotherly affection.

“None of us are, Colin.” Benedict squeezed him closer. “But I need you to do something for me.”

Colin opened his mouth instantly to agree but the words got trapped in his throat. Instead he nodded his head and swallowed.

“I want you to imagine your perfect life with Penelope.”

“Don’t do this to me Ben.”

“Just for a few moments. Really think about it, let yourself believe you could have it.”

Colin closed his eyes and the first thing he saw was Penelope’s smile, saw it from across a crowded room searching him out. He saw it pressed into his lips, soft and sweet. He saw her glow as he took to all his favourite places, beaches where she could sink her toes in the sand and museums that he would hold her hand as they walked through.

He saw her as a vision of white walking towards him on Anthony’s arm, knowing there would be tears in his own eyes. He saw her running a finger gently against a plump newborn cheek only this time it would be their child instead of Colin’s niece. He felt her pressed into his side, his hand running over red curls as they watched a movie. He saw her reading his work, shushing him as he nervously danced around her waiting for her approval.

He imagined her here with him, drinking wine in front of the fire, wrapped up together in the blanket she’d made with her feet in his lap. He’d build an extension, enough room for the children they could have. A place they would make memories like he had with his own siblings.

He saw the arch of her back as she keened for him. The taste of her skin against his tongue, mapping every inch of her and l earning what made her moan and sigh. He saw her mischievous grin, the heat of her eyes as she crawled up the sheets towards him.

Colin pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and let out a long shuddering breath.

“Now imagine having all that for a lifetime. Then a year, a month or just a day. One single solitary day, Colin. What would you give to have it for only that long?”

_ Anything. Everything. _

“Fuck.” 

It was a punch to the gut Colin wasn’t expecting. He’d spent years focusing on what it would mean to lose her; he never let himself imagine the beauty of actually having her.

“Who you are now, yes this could be your life without her but why endure a lifetime of this without the reward first?”

Colin was an idiot. A fool. He was a damned fool. How could he have been so stupid?

“We need to go.” He leapt to his feet, the blanket making him stumble slightly. “Now.”

The look on Benedict’s face could only be described as triumphant .

“Where to?”

“I need to go home. I need to shower because I stink. I need to come up with a plan, the most perfect plan because she deserves nothing less. Then I need to get on my knees and beg Penelope for a chance.” Colin’s stomach rumbled. “Also I need to eat something, I’m starving.”

Benedict smiled as he got to his feet.

“Now there’s the Colin we know and love.”

* * *

In the few hours drive Colin didn’t do more than eat from the stash of biscuits he kept in his back seat and sleep like the dead. He didn’t dream but he didn’t need to, not anymore. He shook himself awake as Benedict pulled up to Colin’s flat.

“Get some rest and call me in the morning if you need anything.”

He shuffled out, surprised to see Simon sitting in his flashy sports car with a grin on his face. He barely had time to catch the keys his brother threw in his face.

“Hey!”

Benedict turned with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Thanks for pulling my head out of my arse.”

The brothers just grinned at each other before turning away. There wasn’t anything more that needed to be said. 

Colin entered his flat and took a moment to take it in. It wasn’t a home, not really. There were a few photos on the wall from his travels, furniture he’d bought out of necessity more than anything else. It was a crash pad in between destinations, somewhere other than his room at his mum’s so he could feign being an adult. He’d never let himself make a home, couldn’t imagine one without Penelope there.

He kicked off his shoes, dropped his bag in the hall and plugged in his own beside his bed before having the longest and hottest shower of his life. He stood under the spray and let the tension of the last few days, hell the last few years, slip from his muscles.

He was bloody Colin Bridgerton, he could do this. He would do this or he’d die trying. He just hoped he could make her listen. Sure she’d had a crush on him for years, he knew that. But she’d never said anything and maybe that meant to her it was a silly school girl fantasy. 

Maybe she didn’t love him.

Well, then he’d woo her. Whatever it took. He could buy her flowers and write her poetry if that was what she wanted. He’d climb a mountain in record time. He’d swim the channel naked as the day he was born if that was what she desired.

He toweled himself of before he crawled into his ridiculously expensive and comfortable bed. His phone was charged and lit up with messages from family and friends alike. He scrolled through them all, his mother’s concern, Eloise’s snarky remarks and Benedict’s growing concern. None of that mattered now, he kept going until he saw her name, had to bite his lip against the grin that grew on his face.

_ You and your eccentric writer ways. I better get to read any of your new genius first when you emerge from your hideaway. _

Colin slipped into sleep. He wasn’t hiding anymore.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kind comments! I cannot express how lovely it has been. This fic seems to be flowing freely from me so I am grateful for that. I hope you continue to enjoy Colin’s journey.


	3. Colin Prepares

Colin woke up like a shot, pulled from his sleep to the sounds of someone making a ruckus in his front room. He dropped his face into his pillow and groaned. From the smell that made its way through his closed bedroom door, the one he was certain he’d left open last night, he knew his mother was here. From the clanging in the kitchen she was done patiently waiting for him to wake up. 

_ Best face the music head on, Bridgerton. We die like men. _

He pulled on a pair of joggers and the first shirt he found. He padded softly in his bare feet to the spacious kitchen he hadn’t used in a long time. He loved to cook, always had. It was no secret Colin adored his food. He’d learned so many recipes and discovered so many spices on his travels. But cooking for just himself had lost all appeal. He cringed when he thought of the moldy takeaways his mum probably had found in his fridge. 

She was standing at the island, her face showing her to be in far away thought until she spotted him. Colin braced himself for the set down that didn’t come. Instead she opened her arms and tilted her head.

“Come here my darling.”

Colin basically launched into her arms, folded himself over her smaller frame and pressed his face into her shoulder. She soothed him with soft whispers of her love for him as she rubbed her hands up and down his back. They stayed like that until he felt weak with thanks and yet stronger than he’d ever felt before.

When he pulled away she wiped unshed tears from her eyes as she kissed his cheek.

“I made your favourite, and enough to feed an army.” 

She shuffled him to sit on a stool as she fussed over him. Before he knew it he had coffee just the way he liked it, orange juice and three of the most delicious looking bacon bunties he’d ever seen. She watched him intently until he took his first bite and moaned his appreciation. Then she just sipped her tea and smiled as he dug in.

He finished two before he was ready for the conversation that was about to happen. He took a large swig of coffee to prepare himself

“What have they told you?” Colin did his best to look innocent and contrite.

“I am your mother, they didn’t have to tell me anything.” She gave him a look he’d seen a million times, the same one all his sisters used. It was  _ you stupid boy  _ without the need for words. “But that is not why I am here.”

Colin wracked his brain trying to find something else he may have done to deserve breakfast with his mother, just the two of them. She did her best but eight children as a single parent would make anyone’s head spin. Not to mention in the last year he’d been anything other than a great son. He’d let the pain of his own making suffocate him and he’d seen only his plight, not the impact it would have on those around him.

“You, my beautiful boy, and yes you will always be a boy to me. You are the spitting image of your father that looking at you brings me the most unbelievable joy.” 

Violet Bridgerton reached her hand across the countertop and placed it warmly over his.

“Now each of you has parts of him, some good and some bad but you Colin, you have more of him than any of your siblings.”

She smiled as he gapped at her. She made no secret that she had loved their father with everything she had and never failed to point out their similarities but this he’d never heard before.

“Mum…” 

When had his throat gotten so tight?

“You have his tenacity. He would see what he wanted and go after it, even when the odds were stacked against him. I am forever grateful I was one of those things.” 

She had that wistful look in her eye, Colin knew she was looking at him but seeing something else. A memory that she kept to herself.

“But I owe you an apology, all of you really. I didn’t shield you from my pain and I should have….” She squeezed his hand. “I am sorry if you ever believed for one moment that I regret any of it because I never did. I would take every gut wrenching moment without him because he gave me a love I still feel to this day. That I see when I look at each one of you. Love is never something you should run from, no matter what the outcome might be.”

“Mum...Benedict shouldn’t have told you…”

“Colin, I haven’t spoken with your brothers about anything other than that you were home safe and sound, and as Gregory tells me “removed your head from your butt.” Her grin was infectious and he could do nothing but smile back. “This was a conversation I have wanted to have with you for so long, I just knew you weren’t ready for it.”

“I love you mum.”

Colin wondered in that moment if he could make up for his mistakes at the same time he knew that none of them expected him to. He was Colin, and they loved him no matter what. He knew how lucky he was to have that.

“I love you more.” 

She rounded the counter and placed a kiss to his cheek before snagging her purse off a chair.

“Now I need to get your sister to her piano lesson and you have some groveling to do. But I’d recommend some grocery shopping at some point. Your fridge has something growing in it.”

With that she was gone and Colin was left rewinding the past in her wake.   
  


* * *

He debated flowers and chocolate. Too cliche and unworthy of her. He thought of her favourite perfume, so expensive she used it sparingly. He loved the moments when he smelt it on her. It meant she thought whatever they were doing was special. He hadn’t let himself close enough to enjoy it in so long. In the end he decided to go with hands empty of everything but his heart.

He took his mum’s advice, filled his fridge with foods he loved, after giving it a thorough clean first. He even picked up wine to pair with the recipes he has planned. If Penelope rejected him then he would need his wits about him as he plotted his next move. He did his best thinking while cooking.

If he was lucky he would be sharing the food with her instead.

He showered and dressed in his best suit. Then he changed his mind and went for jeans and a tee he’d gotten at the last concert they’d attended together. She’d insisted on the colour, made a flattering comment about it bringing out his eyes. She’d blushed after she said it and his tongue had stuck to the roof of his mouth. He couldn’t do more than shove some money in the vendor's hands and enjoy her smile that he’d listened to her advice.

It was one of the first times he’d noticed her effect on him. His usual witty comments that normally sat waiting at the ready lost completely. During the concert she had danced and he’d been almost like a statue, tuned into her every move and aware that had never mattered before. It confused him then, only loosening up after many drinks. That night he let Penelope go home alone in a cab while he found the nearest club and went home with the first woman that asked.

Back then he’d been certain it’d just been too long without a warm body. It took another six months before he could see the truth, six more before he let himself believe it. Another year of self isolation to get him to this point.

It was a nice enough evening so he shoved his hands in his pockets and took the 20 minute walk to her flat at a slow pace. It was a Wednesday night, which he hoped meant Penelope should be home. 

He didn’t have to get her to buzz him in, catching the door as an older couple exited with their tiny dog. They gave him a warm greeting and he wondered briefly how long they’d been together. The idea of it put a smile one his face, reminded himself why he was doing this as he climbed the stairs to the third floor.

A few years ago they’d helped Penelope move in. Him and his brothers hauling boxes and furniture up the same stairs, ordered around by Eloise while Penelope thanked them over and over again. They’d ended the evening with take away and beers, Colin sprawled on her sofa as Pen sat on the floor pressed against his leg.

How many times had he touched her and not known what a gift it was? Years of friendly embraces and playful shoves, fingers brushing as food was passed around the family table, a nudge of a knee to warn him to shut up.

At her door he took a shaky breath and gave himself a bit of a pep talk. He thought of the messages on his phone from his brothers. Words of encouragement, words of support and promises of alcohol if it all went to shit.

Because it could.

But he wouldn’t let himself think about that now. Instead he lifted a fist and knocked firmly on the door. He stepped back when it opened almost instantly, the smile on Colin’s face fading when he saw a police officer standing there. A feeling of terror ripped through his body.

“Oh my God, is Penelope okay? Is she…” Colin couldn’t get the words out, it felt like his heart had stopped beating.

The copper looked at him confused until he blinked and smiled.

“Yeah, mate she’s good.”

“Colin! What are you doing here?” Penelope’s face appeared around the officer’s shoulder. She was wide eyed in surprise. So at least Eloise was keeping her mouth shut. “Did I miss your text?”

Why the hell did Penelope care that he hadn’t texted like he usually did before he visited when the bloody police were in her home?

“What is going on?” He took in the officer. He was shorter than Colin but he looked like he could handle his own in a fight. It was the grin on his face Coling found off putting, like he was enjoying some sort of joke. “Why are the police here? Did someone break in?”

He wanted to step forward and wrap her tight to him to be sure she was safe but the damn officer was in the way.

“Babe, I don’t think he knows who I am.” The officer lifted his arm so Penelope could wiggle under it, a blush creeping across her cheeks. He reached his free hand out for Colin to shake. “I’m the boyfriend.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you all for the kind words. This fandom is just a joy.
> 
> A few of you have mentioned wanting to see certain types of scenes and I have a plan for this fic. I think you’ll be happy but we have some other things to see first.


	4. Colin Flounders

Colin was going to kill his brothers, every single one of them. He was going to use torture devices from the Middle Ages, shackle them in caves and leave them to starve to death. His sisters were no better. They sent him in blind. They couldn’t have warned him that Penelope was dating a bloody copper?

Colin took the hand offered and didn’t miss the too hard squeeze of warning that James gave with a smug smile on his face.

_Well mate, if it’s a battle you want then a battle you shall have._

“Pleasure to meet you. I’m Colin Bridgerton, you may have heard of me.” 

It was a twat thing to say, he was aware of that but the shadow that crossed the interloper’s face more than made up for it in his mind. Colin may have the face and charm that made his fame easy but he was well aware it was fleeting. He’d never chased it but for once he would use it to his advantage.

But he added a hard squeeze of his own to make his point clear.

“Yeah, my mum loves your books. Can't say I’ve read them myself.”

They stared at each other until a small squeak brought both their attention to the redhead who seemed all too aware of the pissing contest she was witnessing.”

“Colin, this is James.” Penelope looked up at the man and smiled softly. “You would have met him at family dinner but you were off on another mysterious quest.”

“Right, well my break is over.” James turned and captured her chin between his thumb and finger, pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll call you later, yeah?”

“Okay.”

Colin felt like a voyeur watching them look at each other with contented eyes. He was the outsider in this moment and he’d never been that before, not with Penelope. He squeezed his hands into tight fists at his side.

“Nice to meet you Colin, look after my girl yeah?”

James shuffled by him, letting Penelope’s hand go at the last possible moment.

_Your girl? Oh fuck you mate, I’m going to…_

“Colin? Are you coming in?”

Penelope’s whisper had him looking at her fully for the first time. She had her hair piled on top of her head, which seemed to be the way she wore it all the time now. A few curls had fallen, framing her face delicately. She didn’t appear to be wearing any makeup but she’d never needed it anyway. She had snug jeans on, the kind that hugged her legs, her hourglass figure hidden under the large sweater with her uni logo on the front. It went long down her arms, her fingers peeking out.

Lord help him, the sweater dipped down one shoulder, a periwinkle coloured bra strap on full display against her perfect skin. He wanted to kiss the expanse of it.

“Colin?” 

She tilted her head in question, a confused furrow to her brow.

“Yeah...of course yeah.”

The appearance of bloody James had thrown him off his game. He needed to get his head on straight, he had a battle to win.

She turned her back on him so he had no choice but to follow. Her place was small, it was all she could afford in this section of the city. It made Colin feel guilty about all the space in his flat he didn’t use half the time. But Penelope’s home was bursting with life. There were dashes of colour everywhere, bright cushions on her couch.

Plants, books and picture frames littered across shelves and the desk she worked at. 

Colin watched her walk into her small kitchen, the remnants of dinner for two laid out on the tiny table there. It made his gut clench.

“Do you want something to drink?” She twisted to look at him, except she wasn’t really. She was looking past him, eyes unfocused. “I have wine, or beer if you’d prefer.”

He shook his head and opened his mouth, “Pen…”

“Well sit down then, why didn’t you just email me your new stuff? Or do you have nothing for me to judge yet? You were gone so long I was certain…”

“Pen…”

She shook her head and pushed him towards the sofa, he had no option other than to sit. She bustled around, she seemed jumpy as she waved her hand. 

“Sorry you met James like that. He’s a good guy, you’ll like him. Your brothers do.” She wouldn’t stop moving, wouldn’t look him in the face. “I know you’ve been busy and…”

“Pen!”

Colin didn’t mean to shout but the mention of James reminded him why he was here.

Penelope stopped mid stride, this time meeting his eyes in surprise. He ran his gaze over her face, her lovely beautiful face. This wasn’t how he imagined it, but he couldn’t waste anymore time.

“Colin, what is…”

“I’m in love with you.”

Her mouth dropped open, a perfect pink circle that could drive a man to distraction. He gave her a small smile, and for a moment they just stared at each other. Eyes locked he saw something light up inside her, his heart she sighed in relief. He started to stand, he needed to get to her. She felt an ocean away.

Yet once he was on his feet again her eyes narrowed and she held up a hand that essentially stopped him in his tracks.

“That’s not funny, Colin.” 

His heart plummeted a thousand feet.

“I’m serious.” He started to move towards her but she backed up, almost bumping into a bookcase. It ached that she held him at bay. “Pen, I mean it. I wouldn’t joke about this.”

“Oh, you wouldn’t? You’re many things Colin but I never thought you would be cruel.” She shook her head at him. “Why are you doing this?”

He could do nothing but run his hand through his hair in frustration.

“Because I love you. Dammit, Pen I’ve been in love with you for so long and I can’t run from it anymore. You mean the world to me and…”

“I don’t believe you.” She whispered as she hugged her arms tight around her middle. “You’re just confused.”

“How the hell would I be confused about something like this? About you?” She didn’t understand, she wasn’t listening. “I’m finally ready and I know you’ve always loved me too. We can…”

“Excuse me?! When did I ever say I was in love with you?” She had her hands on her hips now, her eyes ablaze. Even with the venom in her voice she’d never looked more gorgeous. 

“Pen, please…”

She advanced toward him, her face tilted up to meet his eyes.

“How long?” She glared at him.

“What?” 

“You said you’ve been in love with me ‘for so long.’” She made air quotes as disdain dripped off her lips, “How. Long.”

“Why does it matter? Penelope, if you would just listen…” Colin was losing her, and it didn’t make sense. He didn’t understand why she was mad. Rejection, joy, every imaginable emotion had crossed his mind as outcomes but not her anger. She’d never been angry with him before.

“Colin, answer the damn question.”

“I don’t know...I started to realize when Eloise ditched us and we saw Whistldown together.”

Colin pointed at the band shirt he was wearing, wanted to take her back to that night and the fun they’d had. 

“It took me a few months for me to wrap my head around it. And then I….”

Penelope shoved him hard in the chest, it caused him to rock back in his heels. She gasped for a second, both of them stunned at her reaction. She regained her composure first.

“So in your mind I’ve always been in love with you.” She poked him in the chest. “And you’ve supposedly been in love with me for almost two years.” She poked him harder. “So in love with me that you traveled the world? Dated women in every country? You forget I read what you write, you ask me to for God sake! That’s not love Colin, you don’t know what love is.”

She tried to jam her finger in his chest again but he grabbed her hand with his, held it firm in his grasp. He needed the lifeline, he was sinking.

“Pen, you have to let me explain…”

She ripped her hand away from him and stepped back..

“I don’t have to do anything! Imagine that hey, I can actually say no to you.” She rubbed her face and laughed. “I can say no to you. I am saying no to you. I have a boyfriend and he’s kind and funny. He thinks I’m beautiful…”

“You are beautiful, Pen.”

“...and he’s not bored and looking for the next thing to fill the void inside him. I am not a flight you can jump on to escape your reality. I am not something you want until you don’t anymore. I won’t be that Colin, I deserve more than that.”

His mouth opened but no words came out. She was looking at him with so much disgust. She was right. He’d done this all wrong. He hadn’t done anything right by her since the day he knew she had his heart, his soul.

“You deserve the universe.”

It was barely a whisper, and Colin realized he had tears in his eyes. The fight seemed to leave her instantly, her shoulders sagged and he hated himself. He’d done that to her. He wanted to show her what she meant to him, not hurt her. She wiped at her face and her lip quivered. 

He needed to hold her, he needed to comfort her. God, he needed to show her she was everything.

_Fuck it._

He stepped forward and pulled her into his chest. He held his breath until she sank into him, her hands wrapping around his waist and fisting into his shirt. He held her tight, breathed in the smell of her hair, marvelled at how perfectly they fit together. He let her cry, rubbed her back and whispered his apologies over and over again.

_I love you._

_I mean it._

_I’m sorry._

_I am so so sorry._

When her shoulders stopped shaking he held her tighter, only loosening his grip when she started to pull away. She gazed up at him, her eyes red, her tear stained cheek had a crease from his shirt. 

She was perfect.

He cupped her face in his hands, rubbed his thumbs along her cheeks. She closed her eyes, and leaned into his touch. He felt like the luckiest man alive. He _was_ the luckiest man alive. He was holding the woman he loved, finally.

His thumb brushed her bottom lip and she whimpered slightly, swayed towards him. Her hands came up to clutch at his chest, her fingers digging in. 

She opened her eyes and he saw it all, the light she shined to the world, to him. He knew he’d never be worthy of it but no man could be. He waited for her to make the next move, whatever it was had to be on her terms. He’d hurt her enough by pushing….

The shrill ring of a phone had her jumping out of his embrace. They stared at each other, the phone ringing somewhere. Her phone. They both knew who it was.

Colin watched her walls come down and slam into place, the gentle lines of her face hardening. The outside world had broken the spell and he knew then he’d lost her.

“You need to leave.” Penelope took the few steps to her door, hand on the knob. She opened it without looking at him, hugging herself again.

“Penelope I know…”

They could talk it through, he could make her understand. 

“No Colin you really don’t.” She turned away from him fully. “Please just go. I need you to not be here right now.”

Colin had always been a man of words. Words on paper that inspired. Cheeky comments that gained him laughter and admirers. They were his weapon and his shield, his art and his charm. They’d never failed him. Here and now when it mattered, when it was the most important thing he’d ever done in his life they’d left him. They had deserted him and in the process he was losing everything that ever mattered.

He walked out and closed the door softly behind him. He stayed until he heard the lock slide into place and her muffled sob on the other side. He put his hand against it, hoped she could feel him, feel all he couldn’t say through it. 

Then he turned and walked away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the angst...
> 
> You remain my favourite humans!


	5. Colin Laments

Colin didn’t know he could hurt this much. He vaguely remembers the pain when he broke his arm falling out of a tree as a kid. He’s skinned knees, bruised ribs and suffered a few black eyes in his life. He has brothers, it’s part of growing up. Even losing his Dad hadn’t felt like this. Losing his father hadn’t been his doing. Life had done that. No, this was all Colin’s fault because he’s a bloody idiot.

He thumped his head hard on the table where it laid. That helped a bit so he did it again. And again.

“Stop that.” Anthony leaned across the table and nudged him hard in the shoulder. “You’re not going to achieve anything that way.”

Having a big family came with its perks but right now wasn’t one of them. Colin wanted to wallow in self pity, he didn’t require verbal thrashings of how badly he’d fucked up.

When he’d walked back home his older brothers had been waiting for him. It seemed as soon as he’d left Penelope she’d rung Eloise, which made sense since they were best friends. In her fury his sister had texted Anthony to find out how Colin could have been such a _bloody wanker_. He regretted deeply giving them all keys to his place to look after it while he was gone.

“Just let me die.” Colin hadn’t had enough to drink yet, there might now be enough alcohol in the country to dull this ache. “Preferable in peace.”

He sat back to take in Anthony’s disapproving stare and Benedict’s sympathetic gaze.

“I know okay, but _perfect_ James threw me off. Which, by the way, fuck you for not telling me he was a cop. I just blurted it out because she was acting so jumpy and then….”

“You can’t just tell a woman that she’s in love with you and you’re finally ready to drive off into the sunset with her.” Anthony shook his head as he sipped his beer. He looked at Benedict. “We should have done a dry run with him.”

Benedict sighed. “If I thought for one second he’d have bungled it this badly I would have insisted.”

“Where did we go wrong? I thought we taught him better than that.”

“He is sitting right here and you both can leave if you’re not going to help me fix this.” Colin downed the remainder of his whiskey and hissed. At least Benedict reached over to fill his glass without needing to be asked.

Anthony’s phone buzzed where it lay on the dining table and Colin held his breath. They were waiting for a status report from Eloise. When his brother picked it up and read it the look on his face said it all.

“Shit.” 

“Tell me.” Colin was desperate for news on how Pen was doing. He couldn’t get the pained look in her eyes as the tears rolled down her face out of his mind. It would probably haunt him in his dreams for the rest of his life.

“Maybe we should….”

“Oh for fuck’s sake tell me, if can’t be worse than what I imagine.”

_Famous last words._

“Okay mate, your funeral. ‘Pen is heartbroken and pissed as hell. No man fucks other women while he supposedly loves someone else he thinks is waiting for him. That’s a direct quote from Penelope.’ She also says she’s going to murder you for making her favourite person cry.”

Colin just leaned forward and let his head thump against the table again.

“She’s got it all wrong.”

_Thump._

“But she wouldn’t let me explain.”

 _Thump_.

“Jesus Christ, stop doing that.” Anthony shoved Colin hard enough that he had no choice but to sit back in his chair. “Col, we’ve all read your latest book. You never come out and said it but you make it pretty clear…”

“I lied.”

“What do you mean you lied?” Benedict’s interest peaked as he pushed the bag of crisps he’d been devouring in Colin’s direction. They always bribed him with food. “How did you lie?”

Colin looked at the crisps and his stomach rolled. The thought of food made him nauseous. When did he ever turn down food? They shouldn’t call it heart sick they should call it…

“Colin!” Anthony snapped him out of his wandering thoughts.

“I embellished, my books are literally called A Single Man In The World Series. They expect sex so it’s implied and I don’t name names of anyone so who does it hurt? I haven’t slept with anyone in almost two years. God, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed someone.” Colin realized his glass was empty again. “Penelope almost kissed me you know. The way she looked at me…”

He just shook his head and reached for the whiskey bottle. Benedict snagged it out of his reach.

“So the woman in Suez?”

“Made up.”

“Cairo?”

“Didn’t exist.”

“Giza?”

“Well she was real, definitely promised me a memorable time. I just didn’t take her up on it.”

“You’re a fucking idiot.” 

The bottle was slid across the table into his waiting hands.

“Thank you, Ben. I believe we’ve bloody established that already.” Colin decided against pouring into his glass, what decorum was he trying to have at this point? He took a healthy swallow from the bottle instead. “I was so focused on pretending nothing had changed I didn’t think about the repercussions. I mean until a few days ago I was going to my grave without Pen knowing how I feel.”

Which is how it should have stayed. He’d known that her feelings were a crush, why did he let himself believe…

“See, I still don’t get that. If you knew how she felt and you knew how you felt….” Anthony squinted at him “...why did you hold back?”

“Because I knew this would happen! I knew even if I had her for a time she would leave me in the end anyway. I never should have risked it.” Colin drank some more, he would regret it tomorrow but what was one more thing to add to the list?

“Brother that makes absolutely no sense.” Benedict furrowed his brow, he looked like their mother. “When you said….”

“I’m not you two am I? No, not me.” Colin surprised them all by pushing his chair back so fast it teetered. He needed to move, and for some reason wave his hands around. So he stood and did just that. “I’m not strong and steady Anthony that everyone depends on. I’m not sweet and sensitive Benedict who wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’m charming and flighty Colin. No one takes me seriously. Lord knows none of you do.”

“Now be reasonable.” 

Colin growled when Anthony started to rise from his own seat, it was menacing enough that his brother sat back down again.

“No one thought I’d end up where I am now. I wasn’t focused enough because I wanted to see the world. I wasn’t grown up enough because my first thought wasn’t settling down. Penelope is the only one who saw something in me. She was the one who told me I should take my journals and turn them into novels. She was the one who supported me and edited for me, I don’t remember you two offering.”

“He’s got us there.” Anthony shrugged. “But we see it now.”

“Because I proved it to you. I’ve never had to prove anything to her. At least not until today. But I didn’t want to end up here. This is why I stayed quiet, this is why I didn’t want to admit how I felt. I knew that one day I would disappoint her. I disappoint everyone and I wanted to keep her looking at me like I mattered for as long as possible.”

Colin kicked his chair and knocked it over.

“Because I knew that losing her would end me. Don’t you see? I was right. I let her down. Just like I do with the family over and over again.”

Benedict stood then, his hands up in a surrender.

“Colin, you don’t let us down.”

Colin shook his head in disbelief.

“So why is it whenever I’m away all I hear is ‘ _You should call Mum more.’_ or ‘ _Done being a bum and going to come home soon?’_ Anthony texts me a week before everyone’s birthday to remind me to send a gift. I fucking know my siblings birthdays!”

“To be fair I do that to everyone.” Anthony shrugged at the dirty look Colin threw him.

“Penelope believed I could do anything and because she believed it so did I. She is the only person who ever thought I was more than just the useless Bridgerton.” 

Colin stood there with his hands in his hips and hung his head. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Thank God Benedict was right there, folding him into his arms and keeping him upright. The next thing he knew Anthony was there too, hand on the back of his neck that gave a firm squeeze.

“You don’t disappoint us. Colin, you never have. We’re proud of you, we always have been.” Colin heard the emotion in Anthony’s voice and looked up. They had the same eyes, it was like looking in a mirror. “I’m so sorry you ever felt otherwise.”

“I think because you’ve always seemed so confident that we never thought you needed us to say it.” Benedict ruffled his hair. “We love you man, we think you’re awesome.”

“And the best looking one?” Colin couldn’t help himself, it was an old joke and he just really loved his brothers right now.

“Piss off.”

But Benedict smiled as he said it.

Colin felt a bit better. Marginally. A fraction really but it was something.

They separated and took their places back around the table, the three of them needing a drink after their display of brotherly affection.

“What do I do now?” Colin swirling the whiskey in his glass.

“You prove it to her.” Anthony pointed at him like he’d just come up with a genius idea.

“Right. So how does one prove to Penelope they aren’t lying about being in love because they lied about everything else to keep what she thinks is the lie a secret?” Colin really hoped one of them had the answer to that tangled question.

“No clue. Maybe write her a letter? You clearly can’t get your point across with your words any other way when it comes to her.” Benedict grabbed the crisp bag that Colin had been ignoring and shoved a handful in his mouth.

“Oh sure...just pull out my pen and give her some flowery poetry. No problem. That will work.”

“It can’t hurt can it?”

Colin thought back to when he first gave Penelope his writings, handed her his written journals and then hid in embarrassment until she came and found him. Eventually he started giving her the typed transcripts of his journal entries, after he’d edited out the truth and added his _embellishments_ of course.

God, he’d want the world to swallow him whole if she ever saw the things he’d…

“Holy shit.”

Colin sprang into action, his movements a little less controlled due to the alcohol and sudden inspiration racing through his veins. In his office he didn’t even bother turning on the light, he knew exactly what he needed. First he dug in a desk drawer until he found his sticky notes. Next he hefted the small trunk he kept his journals in and lumbered out the door.

His brothers swore when Colin dropped his bounty on the table knocking over bottles and sloshing their glasses.

He threw each brother a set of brightly coloured notes, Anthony’s hitting him square in the face.

“What the…”

“Quiet!” Colin opened the trunk with a flourish. “Here is every journal that I used while writing my last book.”

“And?” Anthony looked unimpressed.

“My unedited writings.” Colin knew this wouldn’t fix everything but it might be enough to get his foot in the door. Just enough hope to hang onto. “Which means the last two years of…”

“Longing for Penelope!” Benedict raised his hands in triumph. “Col, this is brilliant!”

Colin handed Benedict a journal and another to Anthony, who still looked confused.

“I don’t get it.” 

Colin just waved his hand to Benedict as he cracked open the first of about 30 journals and started to read. He needed to focus, he couldn’t deal with Anthony’s inability to follow along.

“We’re going to go through each journal and mark every section that’s about Penelope.” Benedict’s voice was half intoxication, half excitement. “And then...wait what then?”

“Then I prove it to her.” Colin didn’t look up, instead marked a passage about how a woman’s silk shawl made him think of Penelope’s hair with a bright pink sticky note.

“Is there going to be...” Anthony cleared his throat “... is there going to be intimate thoughts.”

“Probably.” Benedict laughed.

“Definitely.” Colin proclaimed as he pulled another sticky note off his stack.

“Right.” Anthony opened his assigned journal with a grimace. “Benedict, pass me the whiskey.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be a little different so I hope you like it.
> 
> And again, thank you so much for all your amazing comments.


	6. Penelope Tries

Penelope had been an internal mess for days. One minute she was angry, the next she was confused but hopeful until finally she ended up just...here. This weird in between place of possibly having everything she’d ever dreamed of but feeling like accepting it was selling herself short. 

She’d done that her whole life, you don’t grow up with a mother like Portia Featherington and not have some self esteem issues. There was a reason she didn’t talk to her family regularly, except for her little sister Felicity who had escaped their mother’s clutches by attending university in America. Penelope saw her sister flourish over emails and video calls and she’d been jealous. She wanted to fly free of her cage.

The cage she had made for herself by not getting over one Colin Bridgerton.

She wasn’t stupid, she knew Colin would never return her feelings. She’d happily settled for their close friendship, glad to be of use to him by supporting his writing. Thrilled that when he’d found an agent and a publisher it had been her doorstep he’d shown up at with a bottle of expensive champagne held aloft in triumph.

Then suddenly he started to disappear, to slip away. At first she could blame it on his travels. He still texted and emailed her like usual but the moment they were in each other’s company he was quiet and withdrawn. He no longer had time for movie nights or walks through the park drinking their coffee while laughing about something one of his siblings had said or done.

It became clear that with Colin’s success came a lack of need for her and then she was adrift.

She convinced herself this was a good thing, the final push to get her to move on with her life. She started going out more, not just with Eloise but coworkers and occasionally a date here or there. She started to dress more daring, Daphne over the moon to take her shopping and show Pen what she’d been missing by hiding her figure. She’d even approached her boss at the newspaper she worked at with her idea of an anonymous advice column, a mixture of Penelope’s own soft heart and normally unseen sarcasm.

It was a hit and so was Penelope. It felt amazing.

But the more she came into her own, the more attention she got from men and the world the more Colin slipped away. She was the best version of herself and he still didn’t want her. That had to mean something.

Didn’t it?

She finally gave up when they’d attended a family dinner. She’d had an important meeting at work to discuss the longevity of her column so she’d dressed to impress. The meeting had gone well and Penelope had felt unstoppable. She’d walked into the Bridgerton home walking on air. Daphne had cooed over her slim fitting black pants, her so expensive but so worth it emerald velvet high heels. She’d even worn a sheer black blouse that gave just a hint of skin and her camisole underneath. 

Eloise adored her gold earrings, Violet complimented her high ponytail. Even Benedict gave her a “looking good Featherington.” She felt more like herself in years, the confidant woman she’d been hiding for so long.

Then Colin had walked into the kitchen where Penelope was listening to Hyacinth discuss her latest high school drama and just stared at her as if she’d grown another head. He’d barely mumbled a hello before turning around and walking out again.

He ended up leaving before dinner and took off on another trip two days later without so much as a text goodbye. Penelope could no longer ignore where the cards laid, and they weren’t on her table that was for sure.

She gave in and decided to really put herself out there. James had been an unexpected surprise. At times she felt like maybe they were moving too quickly, after only a few days he wanted to be official. After a week he was insistent on meeting her family, which had thrown him when she’d introduced him to the Bridgerton clan. 

“I mean your real family.”

“They are my real family.” She did her best not to be bothered by his words. “Besides, there is no going back after meeting my mother.”

So at a family lunch he’d put a smile on his face and took in the chaos with grace. He came from a small close knit clan, Penelope knew the Bridgertons could be overwhelming at first. Anthony and Benedict seemed to like him well enough, and tried to connect with him over football of all things. Simon didn’t seem too interested but didn’t like most people.

When they left she didn’t feel like she had their blessing beyond them wanting her to be happy. Maybe they wanted her to move on too. 

In the three days since Colin had “made his admission” Penelope had pretended she had a bad cold and had held James at bay. He genuinely cared for her and she cared for him, he didn’t deserve to be around her doubts. A new relationship, her first long term one if you could even call it that, was hard enough without Colin’s clear mental breakdown taking over her emotions.

Eloise had been the ear every best mate should be. She didn’t say much other than to agree that Colin was a _right bastard._ She insisted Penelope should do whatever she felt was best. There was just one point Eloise wouldn’t budge on.

“Can you even believe he thinks he’s in love with me?” Penelope dug into the pint of ice cream in her lap, Eloise’s face filling the frame of her laptop. She was all cried out by this point. “He has clearly lost his mind.”

“Hmmm…” Eloise averted her eyes somewhere off screen.

“I mean he’s never showed any interest in me before and it’s not like I wasn’t looking.” It was all Penelope looked for. Just a hint, a chance. She’d never really believed it could ever be possible. It still wasn’t. This whole thing was...

“El? Are you listening?”

“Of course. My brother is a fuckwad.”

“And he isn't in love with me.”

“And you don’t believe he’s in love with you.”

Pen narrowed her eyes as Eloise sighed.

“Look you know I’m always on your side. And yes, how he went about it was wrong but it’s still Colin. And you...he would never do anything to hurt you. Ever. And maybe….”

“I’m tired. I’ll text you tomorrow.” Penelope shut her computer before her friend could say another word. She couldn’t handle an assault on all fronts.

The thing was Penelope used to think she knew Colin but for the last while he was a whole other person. Old Colin would have never hurt her, he cared for her, like a brother of course, like a brother cares for a sister.

Now they were barely friends.

So she’d spent the next two days alone, going over and over it in her head. She had decided to give up on foolish fantasy months ago and she wasn’t going back now. She’d deal with Colin later, much much later. Maybe if she was lucky he’d go away again. When he came back they could pretend it never happened. He’d want that anyway. He’d realize his mistake.

Decision made she’d called her _boyfriend,_ told him she was on the mend and he insisted on taking her out to dinner. He told her to dress posh and she tried to get excited about the night ahead. She took care with her hair and makeup. She debated on her dress and shoes. She wanted to look perfect. She’d made her choice.

James looked dapper in his suit and whistled when he saw her all done up at her front door. 

“Maybe we should just stay in instead.” 

Penelope knew he wasn’t kidding, they hadn’t gone that far in their relationship yet. He’d been good with taking that part slow, but she knew where tonight would lead. She told herself it was nerves and nothing else that made her feel hollow at the thought.

Penelope wasn’t a shy virgin by any means. It was just because she wanted to do this right, she had to make this work. This was her shot.

Thankfully James let her pull him out the door. Once she had some wine in her she would relax.

The restaurant was expensive, everything lit by candle light. It oozed sensuality and romance, couples sitting close together talking in low whispers, the staff dressed in all black with silent walks.

Penelope tried not to be annoyed when James ordered for her, and didn’t even consult what type of red she would prefer.

_He’s being a gentleman, you’re just not used to it is all._

She forced herself to smile.

“I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Pen.” James reached across the small table to take her hand. “I was worried about you.”

_See, he cares. Look at you, Penelope Featherington, you’ve done it._

“Thank you James but I promise I am right as rain now.” 

He patted her hand and then leaned further across the table.

“There is actually something I wanted to discuss with you.” 

“Hmmm?”

The waitress showed up and James made a show of sniffing the wine. She doubted he had any idea what he was doing but it was cute that he tried. If it had been Colin though…

“So as I was saying...” James talked like the waitress wasn’t even there as she poured Pen a glass. “...I wanted to talk to you about something important.”

Penelope thanked the waitress with an apologetic smile before giving James her full attention. She couldn’t imagine what it could be so serious but she nodded at him to continue.

“I am uncomfortable with your relationship with that Bridgerton chap.” 

Penelope froze, her wine glass almost slipping from her hand.

_How did he know? Was she that obvious? Oh God…_

“Colin and I are…”

“No, not him. A bit stuck up him but you know how writers are.” James furrowed his brow.

“James, I’m a writer.”

He couldn’t have forgotten what she did could he? The career she was endlessly proud of. The one that helped make her who she was.

“Yes darling, but not like that.”

_What the hell did that mean?_

Penelope’s head was spinning.

“It’s that Benedict I don’t trust.”

She couldn’t help it, she burst out laughing. Benedict? Of all people he didn’t trust Benedict?

“Penelope, I’m being serious.” James looked around the room, clearly annoyed at her outburst. “He is way too affectionate with you.”

“Not more so than he is with his sisters.”

Benedict was always slinging his arms around their shoulders, hugging them hello or putting his feet in their laps. She would actually be offended if Benedict Bridgerton didn’t kiss her on the cheek in goodbye.

“But you’re not his sister. You’re not actually family.” 

Why was James so stuck on this?

“They are to me. I basically grew up in that house. I know it’s not traditional but they’re important to me. Once you get to know Benedict more…”

“I don’t want you seeing him again.” James hissed it with so much force that Penelope felt a rush of something unsettling in her chest. The look in his eyes actually frightened her. “I mean it. I don’t trust him.”

Penelope had thought she’d been angry at Colin but this, well this would not stand.

“You mean you don’t trust me.” Penelope grabbed her purse, raised her hand in an attempt to get their waitress’s attention. “And the last thing I want is a man, _any man,_ telling me who I can and can’t see. You don’t decide what is best for me. I do.”

Unable to wait any longer she slipped a few pound notes from her clutch and placed them on the table. As she started to stand James grabbed her wrist hard.

“If you walk out of here it’s over.”

Penelope was officially done with all men, all they did was take with one hand and dictate with the other.

_You’re better off on your own._

Penelope pulled her arm out of James’s grasp.

“We were over the minute you thought you could make me choose you over the only people who have ever cared for me in my entire life.”

With that Penelope walked out into the street and stepped into the first cab she saw. She held back angry tears and her first thought was to call Eloise, to rant and rave that all men were absolute shite. 

But the fact was that Pen was the problem. Look at the men she picked? She spent years following Colin blindly only to have him disappear one moment until he showed up again and use her for whatever crazy purpose. She let James push her too quickly. She’d been naive to think that he wanted to be with her. Instead he wanted to control her, change her. Would she never be enough just as she was?

Penelope had the overwhelming urge to scream. 

Her thoughts were a jumbled mess again. She sprinted out of the cab and up to her flat. She just wanted to get out of this stupid dress and kick off her heels. She was going to crawl back into her frumpy clothes and hide from the world, possibly forever.

Her mind lost in thought she almost tripped over a large box at her front door. She wasn’t sure how she missed it. She nudged it with her foot but it was heavy and didn’t move an inch.

_Great, now someone has sent me a box of bricks. Life can’t get any worse._

Until Penelope saw the card attached on top, her name written in familiar heavy handed scrawl and it made her heart flutter.

She bent down to open the card, her hands were shaking. It was just plain white, no ‘sorry I declared my love in a fit of insanity’ in cheerful font. They probably didn’t sell those at Tesco.

Taking a deep breath she flipped it open. Her heart squeezed, then stopped and then...then it felt like it was beating for the first time in her life. She looked down at the box before reading the words again, running her fingers over the ink.

_Pen,_

_I have lied to the world and I have lied to myself. Over and over again I have kept everything I have wanted to shout from mountaintops locked away where only I could see it.  
_

_I promise I have never lied to you, I don’t believe I even know how. Inside this box is every scrap of who I am, the truth of what beats in my heart._

_Whatever you decide, whatever you want, I shall always remain yours._

_Forgive me for stealing someone else’s words but some things are better said before our time._

_“Doubt thou the stars are fire;_

_Doubt that the sun doth move;_

_Doubt truth to be a liar;_

_But never doubt I love.”_   
  


_Always,_

_Colin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a very good chance a typo slipped by me in this chapter, my apologies. 
> 
> I needed Penelope in this one, and in the next. I hope you’re not disappointed. 
> 
> (Also I had to put the Shakespeare quote in there. It was actually what inspired the whole fic.)
> 
> Thank you as always for your kindness and hilarious comments. They mean the world


	7. Penelope Believes

Penelope hugged the card to her chest and tried to contain the rush of warmth that ran through her. Colin was a wordsmith, he put her own writing to shame sometimes. But this, she’d never imagined anything like this.

It took some time for her to shuffle the large box through her doorway until it sat like a pharaoh's tomb begging her to unlock its secrets. She kicked off her heels before ripping at the tape to what awaited her inside. She stepped back, her hands over her mouth when she saw the two neat stacks of journals inside. She knew the brand well, Colin always had one within reach. She’d spent years admiring him as he scribbled lost in thought. She’d never felt more honoured than when he first handed her one to read, knowing it was more precious to him than gold.

She’d missed running her fingers over his writings when he’d switched to emailing her typed drafts. It didn’t take away from the magic of the world he described but it made her feel less connected to the writer, to Colin. She moved forward to see a blue sticky note with the words “Me first” with a 1 on the front. She picked it up, noticed the one beneath had the same note with a 2 displayed.

She fanned the pages in her hands, more colours marking spots and stopped at random to read the highlighted portion.

_“I know not the moment. Part of me wishes it was as though I’d been struck by a bolt of lightning from the heavens. It would fit, she stuns me like the boom of thunder, leaves me waiting in anticipation for the blast of brilliance that fills the dark as only she can._

_No, it was a long night’s end. The sky morphing shadow into orange and soft tendrils of red. Lost in the wonder until I blink and it is a new day. The morning shines and somewhere along the way I lost my heart with the dawn.”_

Penelope sank to her knees, suddenly unable to breathe. She kept reading but now it was a description of a party he’d attended in a secret club in Switzerland. She remembered the scene, she’d read it a year ago. 

Over a year ago.

She put the journal down and rose to her feet. She was on autopilot. She slipped from her dress and changed into leggings and her oversized uni sweatshirt. She walked to her bathroom, carefully unpinning her hair until the curls hung around her face. She reached for a makeup wipe but stopped when she caught sight of herself in the mirror.

She saw what she always saw, simple and uninspiring Penelope. She turned her face slightly and the light bounced off her hair.

_...soft tendrils of red…_

She abandoned the bathroom and went to her kitchen, poured herself a large glass of wine. She stood staring at the box of Colin’s deepest thoughts...ones he claimed to be of her.

Dare she let herself? Dare she grasp for the unreachable that had been her daydream since she was 16 years old? Could he really love her as deeply as she loved him?

She’d never been so scared in her life. She didn’t know much but the one thing Penelope learned a long time ago was that you never got anywhere by standing still. 

She lit some candles, it felt right to make this as intimate for herself as it must feel for Colin. She left herself only a soft lamplight to read by before sitting back on the floor with her wine and opening the journal once more. Then the next and the next. She cried, she gasped but with every flick of his wrist he made her believe.

_“I spent too long this morning halfway across the world rewatching a video on Daphne’s Instagram. Penelope glowed as she danced Amelia in her arms. Her laughter is more inspiring than the waves that currently lap at my feet.”_

_“The bakery smelled of cinnamon and honey, tastes that drip from her fingertips and coat my soul.”_

_“She didn’t see me, her eyes focused on the man across from her. I wonder if he knows how lucky he is to hold her in rapt attention. Does he see the sharp mind behind the bright eyes? Does he notice the strength of her slim shoulders? Does he long for her like…. I leave tomorrow, I can’t…”_

_“This woman offered me her charms, nothing was amiss in the tilt of her head, the flutter of her eyelashes. She was sensual in her airs, aware of her power and all she wields. It would have been so easy to take her hand, welcome the offer as natural as breathing. But her skin is toffee, not the delicate porcelain of the English rose. She is Lilith and lean, not the dips and valleys and bounty of Eve. She is the night and I am lost to the sun. Even if she had been by my side on the walk back to my hotel it would have been just as lonely.”_

_“I dared to snap a photo, Penelope asleep and warm, her feet tucked under my leg. It is a moment in time that I must to carry with me. An impossible future but a most heady present. I amaze myself some days with what little I can sustain on.”_

_“If I could bottle the way she looks at me. If I could press it between the pages of linen and leather. If I could cover it in bronze or carve it in marble. If I could be the man she sees and keep her forever. Men are not meant to hold the muses. I drown in her inspiration and let it fill my lungs.”_

_“All night she bit her lip, worked it red and plump. If not for the others around us I would have soothed it with my tongue, begged for a sip of Eden. I bent my cards and lost all my money to a smug Anthony instead.”_

_“Penelope would love it here, the picturesque hills. It is a fairytale come to life. She belongs in the highest tower of the tallest castle where only the worthy can reach her.”_

_“Her body comes to me in dreams. Her hands gentle and needy, her hips made for me to hold. Her fire fans around me, a curtain against the outside world. The way she whispers my name, licks into my mouth, braces her hands on my chest. It is a welcome undoing. When I wake up hard, wanting and reaching for her the day starts again in cruel reality.”_

_“I love her so much, an ache that rips through me. It is only my admiration of her that stops me from falling at her feet. She is for the best of men and I remain an undeserving boy.”_

_“Is it ironic that I bought this place to hide from her and then wrap myself in the warmth only she can provide when I arrive?”_

_“She had a French accent, more strange than my own to the crowd lost in the sea of the market. I meant to walk on by, mother’s birthday soon enough to deserve something special from a wandering son. Then her fragrance filled my senses, stopping me in my tracks._

_“Yes?” Her voice was strong, the lines on her face born from the weight of time. “May I help you?”_

_I was embarrassed, my cheeks burned._

_“I am sorry, your perfume reminded me of someone.”_

_She smiled at me, patted my arm as if I was a long missed nephew._

_“Ahh...you are in love then yes?”_

_She didn’t require an answer, she knew and yet I could not let the opportunity slip me by. A world apart from anyone who knows me I said it softly._

_“Very much so.”_

_The weight lifted from my chest and she giggled like a schoolgirl before I walked away. I will never forget that woman, the keeper of my secret.”_

Penelope felt exhausted, the last journal waiting patiently for her. She didn’t want it to end, she didn’t want to be back in the world without the warmth of him with her. 

She picked up her phone, disappointed when she instantly got Colin’s voicemail. He either had his phone off or…

“Penelope Featherington, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Benedict picked up on the first ring, no doubt the brother Colin knew she would call.

“Is he at the cabin?” She didn’t even try to hold in the emotion in her voice.

Benedict’s exhale of relief made her close her eyes and smile.

“That he is. Should you wish I have the number of a car service ready to drive you there to meet him.” 

Penelope rolled her eyes even as her heart filled to bursting.

“That confidant was he?” She couldn’t keep the laughter from bubbling out, wet as it was from her tears.

“Hopeful, my sweet girl. Nothing but endlessly hopeful.”

God, she loved him for waiting and hoping. She just loved him.

“Can I have an hour?”

She heard an excited hoot in the background that sounded suspiciously like Gregory. Then the loud shh that she didn’t doubt was Anthony.

She loved them all.

“The car will be waiting for you then. You have my word.” Penelope could see Benedict’s smile in her mind’s eye.

“Thank you.”

With that she ended the call and raced around her flat packing an overnight bag. She was nervous but excited, maybe a little bit turned on when she folded her favourite green silk nightgown into her case. She made sure she had enough for a few days. She hoped he would want to stay closed off from the world like she did. Just him, her and no more secrets.

The car was indeed waiting for her, a suited gentleman taking her bag and closing the door behind her. Inside was an array of her favourite candy, throw pillows and the softest blanket she’d ever touched. She fell a little more in love, a feat that seemed impossible. 

Once the car was moving, she settled in for the few hour journey. She would arrive before midnight but just barely. She should sleep but instead she opened the final journal she’d been clutching to her chest like a lifeline.

_“It pains me to be without her but it shreds me to be close. I see it in her eyes, she feels me slipping away. But in fact I am falling, tumbling down an endless chasm as the light gets further and further away.”_

_“I almost threw her over my shoulder like some sort of neanderthal. She stood there in my mother’s kitchen with my sister at her side and the urge to claim her rocked me to my core. She has always been gorgeous but Penelope, sexy and confident Penelope, she controls my basic instinct. The one that wants to pin her to a wall, hold her up with my arms and my hips, feel her legs wrapped tight around me. The one that wants her hands in my hair pulling tight. The one that wants to lick and kiss away the memory of any man that came before me. The one that wants her moans against my skin, her fingers pressed against the mattress by my own. The one that wants to memorize her skin with my lips, taste my name on her tongue._

_I had to run before I lunged forward and whisked her away. Even on the plane my hands ached with the urge. No wonder they compare love to madness.”_

_“The ripple of the water is soothing, this place so serene I feel almost shame for wanting to be a part of it. I am chaos, blown apart on the inside. The same words must be written in the cosmos._

_I am hers.”_

Penelope kissed the last sentence and settled comfortably against her seat. She closed her eyes, just for a moment and sent her own message out into the night.

_And I am his._

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ve all been waiting for this part so I didn’t want to wait to share.
> 
> I hope it means as much to you reading it as it did to me writing it.
> 
> Your comments continue to bring me joy. I am sorry I don’t normally respond. I feel like saying thank you isn’t enough. But thank you!


	8. Colin Basks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one might dip slightly into explicit but I didn’t think it required a rating change. So fair warning!

Colin had never been a patient man. He was always searching for something, working towards a goal. He’d never waited when he knew he could get out into the world and seize instead.

He’d left for the cabin that morning, restless after all the plans had been put into place. He was grateful for his brothers’ help. Gregory was the one able to sneakily steal the spare key to Penelope’s place from Eloise’s purse. He’d also been insistent in his role of dropping off the box. He’d pouted when he found out his brothers had gone through the journals without him.

“Consider yourself lucky, I have visuals that will haunt me for the rest of my days.” Anthony grimaced. 

They helped him load up his vehicle, the rest of the men, including Simon, having a poker night at Colin’s in case she were to show up there. He had to ensure all his bases were covered.

“You’ll make sure your mobile is fully charged?” Colin knew if she couldn’t reach him, that was if she even wanted to, that Benedict would be her next call.

“Breathe brother, it will all work out as it should.”

The problem was that _as it should_ might not be what Colin wanted. It was selfish and self-serving but he desired her for himself. The thought of her knowing the depth of his devotion and then rejecting it...he couldn’t stomach the thought.

He prepared himself for a long stay. He didn’t know if she would come, or when. It may take days for her to wrap her mind around it. 

He used to know so much about her but in the last year he had been negligent of their relationship for his sanity. Could she have changed that much? Could her feelings have been just fanciful? Could he have got it all so horribly wrong?

As it got later his hope began to fade. Maybe she hadn’t seen the journals yet. Maybe she wasn’t home. She could be spending the night with…

No, that thought filled him with a mixture of rage and melancholy. It was best not to go down that route. It may be a reality he would have to accept but not before it was necessary.

Not before he had no other choice.

Eventually the last few days...hours...even the seconds that ticked by began to take their toll. Maybe it was best to give up on the night. If he rested, attempted sleep, maybe his waning hope would return with the light of a new day.

He had a long hot shower, let his mind go blank and silent with the steam. He pulled on his flannel sleep pants, worn and comfortable. Shirtless and rubbing his hair with a towel he went to make sure the fire was truly dead. 

Instead he was met with a sight that would be fused to his conscious for the rest of time. A moment where Colin Bridgerton would receive the greatest reward of his life.

“Hi.” 

Penelope was standing at the door, a small suitcase at her feet. She looked slightly rumpled, soft eyes that widened when she took in his bare chest. Then they darkened and he felt it crackle in the air, every nerve ending in his body suddenly alive.

“You’re here.” Colin shook his head, for a brief instant he feared he was asleep. Had he not had dreams that started like this only to wake lost once again? “Are you really here?”

“For as long as you’ll have me.”

His heart started to beat rapidly and still his feet would not move him forward. He suppressed the urge to close the distance, to sweep her up in his arms and never let her go. She seemed to understand his hesitation. She transformed before his eyes into that confident woman he was proud to know, her fierceness a stark contrast to the purse of her lips he wanted to sink into.

“I love you, Colin Bridgerton. More than you could ever possibly imagine.” She tucked a curl behind her ear, seeming to relish in the power she had over him. “And I…”

He didn’t let her finish, if he didn’t touch her now he would fall at her feet in gratitude. Instead he cupped her face in his hands, her skin made to be under his fingertips.

He had to lean down to press his forehead to hers.

“You are sure?”

_Please, dear God please…._

Her warm fingers sent a spark through him as they danced across his waist to pull him closer. Her sigh was a summer’s breeze across his face.

“I am resolute.”

He couldn’t keep it at bay any longer, this beautiful woman was his and he would claim her for as long as the heavens would allow.

She met him halfway, the first slide of lips like a lock and key, they melted together. He savoured, held the beast at bay. Her hands danced up his chest, slid into his damp hair. He kept his thumb at the dip of her chin, holding her to him while holding himself up.

She was so more than he could have imagined, saccharine treasure, deep glowing embers. She was what men fought and died for, conquered dragons and beat back their demons to hang onto.

She nipped at his bottom lip, scraped her nails lightly against his scalp and welcomed him in. Then he wasn’t just lost, he was found. He was captivated, beyond imagination and finally unleashed. 

The next moment her curves were his to hold as she wrapped herself around him, pressed herself in a dancing arch that nearly ended him. He carried her to the couch, her mouth greedy as she licked at his neck. His hand dug in the curve of ass, her moan of appreciation a siren call to his ears. He didn’t know how he had the brains about him enough to end up seated with her straddling his lap.

He lost any advantage he could have dared to have, his mind a mixture of the words _yes_ and _mine_ and _fuck fuck fuck_ as she moved her hips over him. Her lips were relentless, stealing his soul as her tongue tortured and healed him. When his hands slid up the back of her sweater she shivered at his touch.

It sobered him instantly and he stilled. She stopped as well, pulled back with a furrowed brow.

“Colin?” Her thumb rubbed against his cheek, her eyes pools of confusion.

“Is this okay? We don’t have to rush. Penelope, I won’t lose you to regret.” 

It would kill him, he was already so hard that he feared for his life. Yet just holding her would be enough until she was ready.

She smiled at him, half smirk and half adoration. His heart stuttered as she removed her touch from his skin, then it tripped and fell as she reached down to pull her top over her head. 

Her curls fell against her beautifully pale skin. It was a Herculean feat that he kept his gaze on her face and not the breasts he’d mapped in his mind for years within reach.

“If you stop Bridgerton I will murder you. Painfully.” 

Colin laughed as she giggled with him. He’d felt so many things with other women but joy, that was something new with this intimacy. Did that make all the difference? Vulnerability mixed with lust, happiness and reverence. A combination that only the simplest of men and the finest scholars could understand. It humbled and enlightened. 

Then Penelope bit her lip and he forgot everything else but what filled his vision. He let his fingers cup her though the lace of her bra. She whimpered as he marveled at the weight in his palm. He pressed his mouth to the velvet skin exposed just above the fabric, teased it with his tongue. She had no right to taste as exquisite as she did.

Her hips pressed down, friction the new oxygen, needed for continued existence. He licked up to her neck, noted a spot that made her moan like he’d never heard. When sucked hard her fingers tightened in her hair and pulled him closer. He finally brushed the barrier aside, a sharp intake of breath the only response he could muster at the sight.

Perfection, pure art that captivated him. Her nipples were peach and pink, already pebbled and waiting for him. He greedily took one between his lips as he ran his thumb over the other. She moaned his name, clung to him even more and he was certain he could die thankfully in this moment.

She tugged his face back to hers, kissed him and kissed him. She mumbled something into his mouth he couldn’t hear through the haze of it all.

Without warning her hand came to stroke him through the thin cloth of his pants. His head hit the back of the couch, his eyes greedy for the look on her face as she owned him.

“Jesus Christ, I love you.”

It was guttural and pulled from him, suddenly he realized it was the first time he’d said it back to her. He mentally berated himself until he saw her delighted smile, a contrast to the sultry heat in her eyes.

Her fingers left him as did her warmth as she gracefully climbed off him. He reached for her instinctively but she twirled out of his reach, her blaze of hair dancing around her. With her back to him she made a show of stripping off her leggings, shimmied as she stepped out of them. She wore black satin panties that he wanted to remove with his teeth. Transfixed he watched her unhook her bra, turning her head to look at him over her shoulder before dropping it to the floor. 

It took him less than a second for him to jump to his feet, chasing her to his bedroom. She laughed when he caught her, pressing his face into the curve of her neck. His hands slid over her hips as she leaned back into him, his deft fingers finding her hot and so gloriously wet they both groaned.

He trailed open mouthed kissed down her spine as he slowly pulled the last bit of fabric down her legs. She was supple, alabaster tinted rose. He bit lightly at the curve of her back and he felt her legs give out slightly under his palms.

As he stood she turned in his arms, kissed him hard, fingers scratching the back of his neck as the other tugged the waist of his pants until they pooled at his feet.

As he kissed her his mind lost itself to juvenile thoughts. 

_Penelope is naked. Penelope is naked and touching me. Penelope is naked and pulling me onto the bed. Penelope is…_

She opened her thighs to him, drew him in like a moth to a supernova, her mouth never leaving his. Her touch was everywhere as he braced himself above her. He wanted the length of himself against her but feared he could crush her with his desire.

She moved her lips to his neck, gasped as his hands moved to her breasts again. He wanted to spend the rest of his life mapping out every soft blue vein that hinted below the canvas.

“Please, Colin, please...” 

The tilt of her hips told him all he needed to know. He was caught between wanting to draw this out and fear that he would cum just from this alone. His glorious woman, keening and begging, it was unravelling him like the fumbling teenager he used to be.

He reached for the bedside table, he was certain he’d put condoms in there at some point. She stilled his movements with a hand to his cheek, turning his face so they were eye to eye. He wished there was more light than just the cast from the hallway.

_Next time I want her in sunlight._

“I’m on the pill and I haven’t been with anyone since the last time I was tested. I’m clean.” She bit her lip, her eyes shy.

He realized what she was saying and it humbled him. He felt a moment of triumph that James hadn’t been allowed such a gift as the one spread before Colin now.

“Me too...I haven’t…” 

He knew he used to be able to string together sentences but she undid him over and over again. 

She bit her lip and glowed

“I don’t want anything between us, not anymore.” 

_My woman is magnificent._

He kissed her then, hard and biting. She raised her legs to wrap around his hips and told him exactly what she wanted.

After that it was the most incredible heat and hoarse words and demands. He muttered his love and desire and all he had into her skin and her lips. They moved together like they were born to it, his tanned skin made darker by her light as they clutched at each other. When she finally fluttered around him, her voice honeying his name he finally lost what little of himself he had left to her.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Published? Y’all are crazy and I love you for it.
> 
> (Hides because I fear writing these kind of scenes like I fear rabid racoons)


	9. Colin...Is Colin

Colin was still regaining his breath when Penelope started to laugh. He had his head on her chest, the worry of crushing her now lost to the bonelessness of his limbs. He’d been content and getting much needed oxygen in his lungs while she ran her fingers gently through his hair.

First it was a giggle. Then something that sounded vaguely like a snort. Then full blown laughter that shook her whole body and Colin’s.

He lifted his head to meet her bright eyes.

They were dancing in mirth, her attempts at keeping a straight face a losing battle. He lifted his eyebrow in question but couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face. She bit her lip but gave in, giggling again until he had no choice but to use what little strength he had left to brace himself over her.

Nose to nose she smiled sweetly at him, her hands forever welcome as they slid up Colin’s chest to rest on his shoulders. 

“Dare I ask what is so funny?” He kissed the corner of her mouth to taste her jubilance.

“I’ve just…” Her eyes were shy but she didn’t look away. “...I never thought we’d get here and I’m so happy and…”

He kissed her again, because he wanted too but mostly because he could. It was his new favourite pastime. Her lips were the only world he ever wanted to explore now. She sighed into his mouth, turned her body with his so they were laying face to face.

“Me too.” He couldn’t help but keep touching her, his hand finally resting on the curve of her hip. She shivered under his fingers. “Cold? Sorry we never ended up under the blankets.”

She just grinned and started to pull away.

“Where are you going?” Colin pouted as she turned her back to him to sit on the edge of the bed

“Just to clean up.” But she hesitated, wrapped her arms around her chest.

Colin shuffled over to press his mouth to her skin.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m naked.”

“Trust me, I am very well aware.” Colin kissed across her back until he reached the curve of her neck. “So I repeat, what’s wrong?”

She sighed and arched to give him better access.

“I can’t walk around naked.” 

“I disagree.” Colin nipped at her skin. “Actually I am going to insist upon it.”

She sighed again and though Penelope sans clothing was a sight to behold he didn’t want her to prance around in the nude if it made her uneasy. He hoped in time she would be comfortable enough around him that it wouldn’t matter. He’d take her in whatever form she came in as long as she was there.

So he grabbed the decorative blanket thrown over the end of the bed and wrapped her in it.

“There.” He nuzzled into her. “Your beautiful body is now hidden from my eyes but never from my mind.”

She stood and bent down to kiss him gently before heading to the washroom like a Grecian goddess. 

Colin couldn’t help but watch her with a bemused smirk until the door was firmly shut. Once alone he lifted his hands in the air and mouthed a silent  _ YES  _ to the heavens. He hopped out of bed, pulled on his flannel pants once again and headed to the main room to grab Penelope’s bag. He placed it in front of the bathroom door and knocked softly.

“Your case is just outside here if you need it.” 

“Thank you kind sir.” Her voice was muffled but he heard her just fine

To kill time while he waited he closed up the house, turned off all the lights except for his bedside lamp and straightened the sheets they’d rumbled. He debated for a moment what side of the bed he should get in on. Colin wondered which way Penelope slept. In the end he went for the right side, sliding under the covers and leaning against the headboard. He drew his legs up and draped his arms over them. 

He glanced over at the door. He missed her already. He rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair. He probably looked a mess, his hair wild and sticking up all over the place. He tried to pat it down but got lost in the memory of Penelope’s hands in it.

_ And I thought I had it bad before. _

He knew they needed to talk, it was probably what they should have done from the start. It wasn’t as if they were moving fast, okay maybe a little. Yet after all the time he’d wasted he couldn’t bring himself to regret running with her at breakneck speed.

_ She loves me. _

He loved her, insanely, she must know that by now. If she’d read every word he’d written, and knowing Penelope she no doubt had more than once, then there was no point in holding back anything.

Right now he was wondering if he needed to ask her to be his girlfriend. Did people still do that? He hadn’t been official with anyone since college and even then it’d only been for a few months. Partner was the word now right? But would she be offended by him using that term?

How long should he wait before asking her to live together? He already knew he wanted that. He already knew he wanted his ring on her finger and the world to know that she’d chosen him. Somehow against all the odds….

Colin knew what he wanted; he just had to be sure he didn’t scare her away with the intensity of it. 

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

Colin had been so wrapped in his thoughts he didn’t hear Penelope approach. When he glanced up his brain froze. She stood in the doorway, probably not meaning to look as tempting as she did. He was going to spend the rest of his life making sure she knew how utterly transcendent everything about her was.

Her body was dressed in something silky and emerald green. Two thin straps were the only thing holding it up as it shimmered down her curves. It stopped mid thigh but his gaze didn’t. Her toenails were painted a soft peach colour.

He may have left out a very ungentlemanly moan.

“Colin?”

He continued to stare and then gave her what he hoped was his most charming smile.

“New plan. When you’re not naked you wear that. I’ll buy you a hundred of those creations in every possible colour and we live out our days on nothing but love and wine.”

She blushed but had a distinct air of pride as she walked over and joined him in bed. He wiggled down so they were close, face to face. He pulled the covers up around her shoulders to ensure she was warm enough.

She opened her mouth to say something but for some reason his own wouldn’t stop going.

“I wasn’t sure which side you’d prefer, some people are really particular about that but I’m not. We can switch if you want. As for sleeping I’m a bit of a snuggler but if that’s not something you’re comfortable with that’s cool. I am also not adverse to being the little spoon.”

“You’re doing your nervous rambling thing.” Penelope shuffled closer and rubbed her nose against his. “It’s adorable.”

He forgets sometimes how well she knows him.

“I’m sorry.” Colin closed his eyes to settle himself.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m a little nervous too.” 

Penelope’s voice was so soothing he wanted to fall into it.

“I just really don’t want to mess this up.” He really didn’t, he couldn’t. Benedict had been right. Only a few hours of being with her was worth it all, and he wasn’t going to lose this.

She hummed a little, cuddled up closer and whispered into his neck.

“We won’t.” She pressed her lips against his pulse once, then again. “Sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”

The best he could do in response was pull her closer but his mind wouldn’t shut off. He knew he should turn out the light and get some rest. Still was afraid to go to sleep, as if somehow she’d disappear or change her mind in the morning. If that happened then he wouldn’t have said everything he wanted to say, what he needed her to know.

_ In for a Penny… _

He internally rolled his eyes at himself but took a deep breath and whispered into her hair.

“The thing is I want everything with you. I want you to be my girlfriend, or partner, or whatever you wish to be called. I want you to move in with me. Your place or my place, maybe we could get a new one together. Somewhere where you could have your own office, lots of light for your plants. It’d need a big kitchen so I can cook for you but also near restaurants so I can take you out whenever you want.”

Colin felt Penelope’s fingers curl into his own but she didn’t say anything so he kept going.

“I want to marry you. Next week, next year, whenever you’re ready. I’ll wait however long you want. I want to take you to this market in Cairo where they have the most gorgeous jewelry and buy you anything your heart desires. Also we have to go to this little bakery in a small village in Switzerland. It’s run by a hilarious older couple and they made me promise to bring my wife there one day. I swore on a croissant and you know how seriously I take my food.”

Penelope laced her fingers with his and squeezed. For a moment he thought he heard her breath hitch but he couldn’t be sure.

“Babies, I want lots of babies. Not eight because that is insane but at least three. They’ll be cherub little rascals with your brains and curly red hair, add my charm and they could take over the world. We’d raise them to use their powers for good of course but there is nothing wrong with recognizing one’s greatness. I want to watch you be the amazing mother I know you’ll be.”

Colin heard a sniffle and kissed Penelope’s forehead, a little grateful she couldn’t see his face. He was almost certain he was the one holding back tears.

“I want to bring you tea in bed. I want to spend lazy afternoons just kissing you on the couch. I want to argue about what movie to watch even though you always fall asleep halfway through anyway and I have to tell you the ending when you wake up. I want to make you laugh, you’re so beautiful when you laugh. I want to go to bed every night with you right there beside me. I want to hold your hand all the time. Literally all the time, just like we are right now. I cannot imagine the next day or the next 100 years without you, Penelope Featherington and I don’t want to. I am sorry if that is too fast or if this scares you, you can tell me to slow down and I will…”

“Shut up you ridiculously wonderful idiot of a man.” 

Penelope’s voice was hoarse but she kissed him long and deep, pressed her body firmly against his. Colin hoped that was a good sign, too lost in the sweet side of her tongue against his to question it too much.

“Yes.” She whispered into his mouth, her hand letting go of his so she could roll over him. “Yes to all of it. Every word. Yes. Yes. Yes.”

Colin watched his woman beam down at him, her hair wild around her face and felt contentment for maybe the first time in his life. He’d gone searching for something all around the world but never found it, only to come home where it had been all that time. Then he let his fear overtake him, running away when he should have welcomed it with open arms. Yet somehow, someway here he was. Finally.

_ I am hers. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I really struggled with this chapter. I kept thinking my original idea wasn’t good enough. I kept starting and stopping. Finally I just decided to let it flow and this is what happened.
> 
> I apologize for any typos etc, I had to post it before I wavered again.
> 
> Thank you for being amazing. I appreciate you all more than you know.


	10. Penelope & Colin

Penelope looked up from her book as she heard the calamity on the porch. Little feet make a lot of noise, especially when joined with excited paws. She folded over the corner of her page, something she knows drives her husband crazy but a habit she cannot seem to break. She was waiting with a smile as the door burst open, her son tumbled in as he pulled along his younger sister. Jane toddled after him to keep up, always happy to follow the brother she adores wherever he decides to lead her. Lady pranced in after, their fierce protector and favourite playmate. Whatever excitement they’d gotten into out by the lake had clearly worn her out as the golden retriever flopped down to curl by the fire.

“Mum, I caught a fish!” Thomas stopped in front of her, looking ready to burst from the excitement of it all. “Dad said we had to set it free because it was too small but it wasn’t. It was huge.”

“Huge!” Jane nodded in agreement before reaching her pudgy hand to pat on Penelope’s stomach. “Hello, baby.”

Jane was obsessed with the idea of being a big sister, constantly telling her unborn sibling about her day, her favourite bedtime story or asking questions about what it’s like in Penelope’s tummy. She had a hard time believing she had ever been in there too once upon a time. Just last week she’d been very put out about it.

“But how did I get in there?”

“Dad put you in there silly.” Thomas, the ever knowledgeable big brother, rolled his eyes dramatically. He looked so much like his father when he did that it made Penelope’s heart squeeze.

Penelope had looked frantically at her husband for support, not really wanting to have another discussion about where babies come from. Colin had just winked at her and then opened his arms to his children.

“Who wants ice cream?”

The mention of a sweet, or any food really, diverted them nicely. They were Colin’s after all.

Now they stood before her and she was amazed they hadn’t asked what was for tea yet.

“Are you hungry?” Penelope reached forward to brush Jane’s curls from her face. They weren’t red, instead the dark rich brown of the Bridgertons. It was Thomas who had her hair that he insisted be in a style exactly like Colin’s. His father was his idol, his uncle Simon with his flashy car a very close second.

“Dad says we have to go play nice in our room so you can rest because you’re growing the baby. He promised we could have three bedtime stories if we did.” Thomas grabbed his sister’s hand once again and tugged her away.

“Not even a biscuit?” Penelope called after them but they were already lost to their world of make believe that no adult was allowed to enter.

Deciding to enjoy the quiet she rose to her feet, a little bit harder to do now that she was almost six months pregnant. This baby would be a big one, she was certain of that. This pregnancy took more out of her than the last two. She tired easily and her legs were always sore. She didn’t let it slow her down, she was a mother with two inquisitive and energetic children, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t have a nap when her husband insisted.

Finally up she went in search of the man she loved but he beat her to it, striding through the door the children had left open.

“Love, why are you up?” His cheeks were rosy after his afternoon of fresh air. “I told you to text me if you needed anything.”

They’d moved in together two weeks after that first night. They’d married less than six months after that. They spent a year all over the globe and seeing the world. Colin wrote his final instalment in his travel series, An Ex-Single Man In The World had been a hit. He was working on a second cookbook and the third novel in his fiction series that Netflix was already trying to buy the rights to. Penelope still wrote her column, happy for now to do that and spend as much time with their growing family as possible. She was a big pull for the paper and she was proud of it. There was a novel she was writing when the mood struck and the editing of Colin’s work he insisted she get credit for.

A lot had changed in the last 7 years, the cabin being one of them. The moment Colin found out Penelope was expecting Thomas he threw himself in renovating and making it into the perfect family getaway. It was twice the size but just as comfortable and homey. He added a large porch and they had internet and cell service now. Admittedly she still missed the days when they could come here and hide away from the rest of the world. Now they had to wait until their children were fast asleep.

“Husband, I will have you know I have done this before.” She happily walked towards him, the twinkle in his eye when she called him that always meant she always got her way.

“Nice try wife, you need to be resting.” He pulled her into his chest, one arm around her waist and a hand resting on the curve of her belly. “Mostly because I plan to keep you up most of the night.”

He leaned down to kiss her smiling mouth, their moment from sweet to sinful in a flash. He still did that to her. He made her feel content and loved one second, then turned on and desired in the next. She stood on her tiptoes and pulled him more firmly to her. That was another thing with her and pregnancy hormones, not that he ever complained. But it didn’t help that he was so damn attractive and he looked at her like…

“Eww!” Thomas’s shout echoed down the hall. “They’re kissing again.”

Colin sighed as he took his delectable lips away and nuzzled Penelope’s neck.

“You were the one who wanted all the babies.” She sunk into his embrace, held on for a moment longer.

“I think I meant the making of babies. I should have been more specific.” Colin kissed her cheek and laced his fingers with hers. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I thought you promised the kids sausages and chips.” Colin did try to expand their children’s palate as much as possible but they were still too young to truly appreciate their father’s talent in the kitchen.

He tugged her towards the couch once again, nudging her until she was sitting with her feet up.

“And they will have it, I asked what you desired.” He spread the blanket she’d made him years ago over her legs, tucking her feet in.

_ He takes such good care of me. _

“Colin, don’t go to any trouble.” 

He sat down on the edge of the couch, ran his hand up and down her arm in soothing strokes.

“For you my darling…” He analyzed her face. “I do believe you are craving something rich. How about steak with my cream mushroom sauce?”

He knew her too well.

“That would be heavenly”

He beamed at her like he’d just won a prize and cupped her face

“Done.” He stood up and glanced down the hall. “I’ll check on our spawns and then start on dinner. You are not to move, if you want something you tell me.”

He started to walk away but she grabbed his hand. He glanced down at her with a questioning look.

“You are getting all of the kisses tonight.” 

His eyes went dark and a slow grin spread over his face.

“Oh yeah?” The thinly veiled excitement in Colin’s voice made a shiver go up Penelope’s spin.

“Oh yes. All of them.”

He winked at her before going to make sure their babies didn’t kill themselves in some sort of Lego accident and she went back to her book with a happy sigh.

* * *

Colin slowly moved out of the twin bed he’d been sitting on. Jane was curled up on his chest so he tried not to jostle her too much while sliding his arm out of Thomas’s hold. Thankfully he was able to get his daughter settled in her own bed without her waking, Lady jumping up to curl at her feet. 

He’d promised them three stories but it somehow became five, more for himself than for them. They were growing so quickly and even with another on the way he knew this time with them was fleeting. Thomas had just turned five but you’d think he was 18 by how confident and self assured he was. Jane was a bundle of love and affection, always snuggling the dog or her brother when he would allow it. Her numerous aunts and uncles were always happy to oblige her, as were her parents. Colin was so proud of the little people they were.

He couldn’t wait to meet the newest member of his family.

He kept the children’s door slightly ajar and left the hall light on. He’d sent Penelope to rest in their room while he got the children settled down for the night.

He worried about her. The doctor had assured them that mother and baby were fine but he hated how taxing this pregnancy was on his wife. She never complained but he was grateful she left him fuss with minimal argument. 

This would be their last stay at the cabin before the baby came. In a few days the whole Bridgerton clan would be out for a family day. Penelope adored them all, as did Colin, but he wanted her as relaxed as possible before the chaos.

He closed up the house, set the alarm system he’d insisted on having installed with the renovations. His babies and his wife were his universe, he didn’t take any chances where they were concerned.

Colin picked up a stray child’s sock and one of Thomas’s plastic dinosaurs that had magically appeared by the front door and tossed them on the sofa. Content that all was well he made his way to his waiting wife.

When he opened their bedroom door all he could do was grin.

The room was dark except for a few lit candles spread around. They smelled of vanilla and sugar as they cast his wife in a soft glow. Penelope had always been gorgeous, but pregnant she was radiant. She was wearing black silk that flowed over her curves and made her hair flame. She was draped over the bed, sexier than she had any right to be. Her skin looked soft and welcoming, the purse of her lips just begged to be kissed. 

His wife was his literal dream come true.   


She was also fast asleep.

He chuckled to himself and got ready to join her. He blew out the candles and like he had with his children just minutes before carefully got his wife under the covers. Only then did he slid into bed behind her, spooning himself close and wrapping Penelope in his arms. Even in her sleep she reached for his hand, linking their fingers together in the way she knew he needed. 

He relaxed into her, pressed a kiss behind her ear and grinned as she sighed. Penelope never fully settled in sleep until she felt her husband beside her. Colin didn’t even attempt it without her. He’d spent no more than eight nights apart from her in all their years together and had not slept a wink each time. 

He laid awake for a few moments, breathed in deep the smell of his wife’s hair. It was something that happened every night. It was as if he was dreaming during the day, loving the woman in his arms, raising the family they had built together. He loved sleep but he loved his life even more, hated the thought of missing one minute of it. 

Tomorrow she would be put out that she’d fallen asleep during her failed seduction. No doubt she would wake him up in interesting ways to make up for it. In his opinion there was no better way to start the day than being kissed awake by his wife.

He squeezed her hand, whispered softly in her ear as not to wake her.

_ “There is a feeling that they tell in tall tales, write in ancient languages and play out on dancing stages. They try to name it, catch it in words as if such a feat were possible. No sonnet or brushstroke that could capture my attention like the pull of your eyes. No note of melody that sighs on the wind could ever behold enough the tremble of my heart when your hands reach for mine. No God could create the desire you pull from me, to protect and to cherish, to become for one second worthy of your devotion. I am but a man lifting my thanks to the stars for giving me one of their own. _

_ I love you. Words that could never fully say what I feel for you my darling, but nevertheless they are true.” _

And as the soft warmth of his wife seeped into him Colin lost the battle of the night with a contented smile on his face. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is it.
> 
> Thank you for coming on this fun ride with me and for taking the time to read! It’s been a pleasure.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for this fandom so I’m nervous. But anyway I’m totally an awkward human...welcome to my brain.


End file.
